A Year of Homecoming

For quite a while, I've been heavily under the influence of what I'd call 'advanced learning'..... Which basically means I've been absorbing the Tarot, astrology, numerology, and the Qabalah like a sponge for the past few months... or not....

I've been having my spasms... Between graduating from university and still trying to maintain some form of a professional spiritual practice, I've had quite the semester. But now, I finally feel as if I'm surfacing somewhere and it's beginning to feel allot like Home.

The other night I did the very misguided thing of sending an email out offering free Tarot readings to hundreds of members on a social networking site I'm on... Free, detailed Tarot readings.... Within 11 hours, I got near to 40 responses from people who wanted readings... There goes my Christmas. I think it's cool though. It feels like a massive Tarot fest in which I'm able to learn more about myself as a reader, about the presentation of my work in the world, and it's also giving me an opportunity to be less attached with my work. Working at a quota of 3 readings a day, it's easy not to fall too madly in love with the cards that come up for any one person.

In another capacity, I'm viewing my 'coming Home' in terms of my spiritual practice on a whole... I now find myself in a deep state of restructuring my entire practice and it feels cool. I think my entire life has been about becoming less and less of an externally focused person, to bringing my energies and awareness deep within me so as to build a spiritual base from there. Maybe this means viewing magic a bit differently... Maybe this means reassessing the word witch and what that means in terms of my life. Maybe I'm slowly transforming into a psycho-spiritual pantheistic scientist, hellbent on research, consciousness, and the topic of inter-connectivity. And maybe that's completely okay. Goddess knows, that I feel like I've lived a long, long time; but when I look at where I am now in relation to where it is I have come from, I can honestly say that I've impressed myself.

I see myself as experiencing a very Tarot-centered personal practice as I move forward, and I'm grateful that the Tarot is big enough to encompass all of my endeavors. Whether it's numerology, astrology, Qabalah, or mythology, everything I do will connect with the Tarot in some way, enriching my experience of it, and deepening my experience of Life. How odd is it that my greatest friend in the Cosmos would be a pack of cards? I guess it's not odd at all, considering that the Tarot is the Cosmos, and encapsulates every person, place, experience, or thing I will encounter on this journey Home..

That's a very big thing to realize so early in the game, and I'm grateful that it didn't take too long.

Something Lethargic This Way Comes

Laziness has overtaken me. And it's slowly been sinking in deeper and deeper as the days have dragged on. I wonder - have the days been dragging or have I? I feel that being unproductive is a lofty temptation that only fools engage in. And I've been engaging it for the past few months deeply and intimately, so much so that if it were a prostitute, I'd have an STD by now. 

For me, this seems to be the hazard of my solo pursuit of the Old Gods. They remain as constant as I remain, they speak as much as I listen, and they enter my life when they feel welcomed, and honestly, I've been disconnected beyond belief. Indiscipline is a hell of a thing! I'm so deeply moved by the transformative power of my spirituality, and yet I don't allow it to move beyond the  pages of the decades-old books that fill my bookshelves. Everything within my home feels dead at the moment; everything seems clogged up, moldy, and taken by a deep melancholy. What's not falling apart seems to be rotting - from my closet to my altar. And my grasp of things I once knew so well seems to be failing me. My cards no longer speak with the same wild freedom, I'll be amazed if I can give someone a substantial Numerological reading anymore, Reiki isn't what I thought it would be, and Odin be blessed if the runes even remember my touch. I've wasted some valuable gifts, and my sporadic bursts of month-long effort every now and again when I feel the urge to reconnect can't maintain the spiritual life I truly would like to be living.

Maintenance. That seems to be the keyword here. And allot of it.  Finding some tangibly expressed way of connecting with the Goddess each and every day, honoring the Old Gods through things that MUST occur, things I force myself into believing I absolutely MUST do. I've tried this so many times and I don't seem to be able to get it right. Maybe blogging more often will help. Maybe having a partner would help. Maybe posting little Sticky notes around my house would help. *Sigh*.... I don't know what I have to do to get myself locked into fully identifying with and partaking in my spirituality as a Pagan, but I'm going to start by cleaning my room.....

Goddess help me.

Bored Wit-Less

At the moment I'm bored out of my mind.... Beyond my mind... Just .. bored... I haven't found anything particularly amazing for quite a while: spiritually, physically, intellectually.... damn.. sexually... I don't know....

I've been getting the feeling allot lately that I need to go deeper in my practice as far as learning more and giving more readings, etc.... Yesterday, I gave readings to two fellow dancers and they found it deeply insightful. And the readings were cool, despite my apprehensions due to week of not even batting an eye at my Numerology books... But afterward, I really had to ask myself "What next?".... After that moment, what comes next for me as the reader? What lingers for me? What remains? In allot of ways I feel as if the inner sense of gratification I get from my practice is less than the actual amount of work I put into developing it..

I've been contemplating the theory of developing my "Indigenous Mind" recently because of some work that I've been reading... And it's a beautiful thought and concept, but it's soooo far flung from the life that I've always lived, and despite my own attempts at being a bit less mainstream, I still find that allot of every part of me is still fixed within a mainstream modus operendi... That feeling of excitement and adventure that I felt as a kid mhas been replaced with so many responsibilities...

Oh well.... Just another day... and i guess this is yet another lesson in truly finding the dwelling places of the Goddess.... Deep within and all around....

Let's see what another week brings....

Blessed Be )O(

Goddess, Can you hear me? :S

So it's a new day... a new week actually, and things are going pretty... chaotic. I'm trying to hold my peace, and to find some sense within it all, but it's really spiraling beyond any possible control I feel I can exert at the moment. I've had to reconsider the way in which I respond to allot of people (well... maybe two... my mother and he-who-shall-not-be-named) both emotionally and verbally, and it's all really testing my character and my willpower.... Hell yeh...  So as a pagan, I find myself trying to broaden my perspective to a level where I can all view this as apart of the 'One-ness' of all of my experiences, but it isn't the most comforting thing in the world... I guess putting what we claim to believe into practice really isn't all that easy, but that doesn't make it undo-able.

So here I am doing what can't be done... Can I truly claim to live a solitary life if I'm so dependent on so many external factors for my mere survival? And if that bullshit theory has finally found itself under the axe, what do I do within myself to replace its once immature comfort?

The Goddess is forcing me into a place of self-sustenance... All the forces within the Cosmos are pushing me towards a place of "Practice thy Craft & Live"... Maybe it's also leading me to a place of "Practice thy Craft to Live"... I'm giving myself until Samhain to set myself up professionally online giving Tarot readings and Numerological Reports. At this moment, I'm not so sure I am being given the leisurely comfort of waiting that long.

So here is my lesson in faith... i read a passage in the Bible recently that spoke about it (yes, the Bible... >_>).. It's James 1.... Interesting stuff... We call on the Divine halfheartedly expecting the fullness of our desires to be met. Perhaps, the gods are calling me to do the presumably unthinkably foolish act and just throw myself off the deep end in a Random Act of Faith, with the knowingness that I will be provided for?

I'm gonna twitch my nose and trust the Goddess on this one... Gaia must provide.... Better must come....

The Blog is Up & Running!

Phew*... so it's 3:10am where I am and the blog is finally up and running after many failed attempts in the past... I may be able to squeeze in a few hours of shut eye and dream-catching before Sol illuminates the horizon... hopefully...

I'm not sure how I feel about blogging just yet.. It's so... personal... and I don't want to feel corny while I'm doing it lol. But I think it's a worthwhile practice to maintain and it feels good to share myself with others at this deep level of my spirituality as a young, Pagan male.

I see people with hundreds of blog posts.... At the beginning of my bloggers journey, I'm already deeply humbled; I'll throw a party for my first twenty.

Oh well...I'm all blogged out for the night/wee-morning...

Until We Meet Again.... Blessed Be )O(